It's been awhile since I've blogged, or even been active on EP. Lots has happened, events transpired, love, gained, lost, recycled, nothing wasted, just different. Able to be used differently, for a purpose. That we must all find. Days are like a dream, let it go? Or no, keep reaching out. I, we, must see whats out there. It's a struggle, but not really, its a climb, but also a fall. its made to last, so enjoy it. I like to be simple, yet intriguing, if i can lol. I hope everyone here is doing well, those of the people who are still around, or anywhere to be found.
It's not even my house. I live with my uncle. I've really only had my own place once. I only had my own place, a small apartment that only required $300/month, very manageable indeed but not even a cheap apartment and relatively stable job could induce me to stay on the 'right' path. I ended up throwing my paychecks away to support my habits.
And now, I can't even keep a part time job, the only one I could manage to get because it is 3rd shift and I can't possibly get any rest when I lay down with the noise that fills this house. So now I am jobless again. I'm hoping putting my thoughts into words will help me keep my motivation up because I'm not only struggling with rebuilding my life, I'm struggling with every little detail that entails, financial insecurity, living in a small and jobless town, returning addictions and temptations, I can barely keep my sanity living here. But there's always a way out of any situation. It's just how you look at it, I suppose. The solution to any problem may be able to be summarized by saying, "Do what makes you happy" because isn't that what matters? The pursuit of happiness, being fulfilled and satisfied with where you're going or where you've been.
Needless to say I haven't been much too happy or satisfied with my life recently. I could just say fuck it and walk away from everything, just see how far I get with how much misplaced ethanol gas I have in my car(I accidentally used the ethanol gas pump at a station instead of regular gas, probably because I was out of it), a ballsy move but what's holding anyone back from doing that? For me, nothing. I have no attachments, and at least I can find solace in that fact, somehow, that i could just walk away, and no one would really care. Or at least, they'd get over it in time. Oh I've thought about many scenarios, I've had enough time to think about a lot, all I have is time, all the time in my own little world. Because no matter what, in the end, all we have is ourselves to worry about.
I don't want to keep on going like this. I just don't want to live my life in this situation any longer. It's mainly my fault, I find subtle reasons wherever I can to avoid doing something and eventually become unmotivated to do anything because I don't see a point. I am a very logical person and don't like to waste time, but wasting time is all I've been doing. I was different once, now I'm different from that person and again I will be different. It's time to make a change for the better. After all only I can do it.
There's many reasons why I want to change, but mainly, I want to be happy. I may appear fine on the outside but inside I'm struggling, I don't like to appear weak and I don't like to impose my problems onto other people. I keep it all inside, but its becoming too much for one person to handle and starting to affect me whether I want it to or not, subconciously. I have such bad anxiety on top of everything, and because of everything, that I can barely function without alcohol or other drugs...At least that's how I see it. It may be all in my mind, maybe I'm not as strong as I like to think. I may be letting my ego get in the way with certain things. I'm going to work on it. I'm going to work on a lot of things.
couldn't help but reference one of my favorite songs haha. well this is my very first blog and ive been roaming the internet for quite a few number of years. recently I have overcome severe depression and it feels like my life is really turning around and now I feel pretty optimistic. haven't felt so good in a long time! I'm over my ex, don't even want to go into that too much, but it's in the past, they come and go. someday i will find my soulmate. I'm not going to rush life though, it will come to me, I am a believer in fate. what is meant to happen will happen. i might be going to school soon, hopefully, I'm not sure yet. there is the financial side to consider and I could use a better job. we will see what happens there. Oh and I died my hair recently..brown to black and I have to say I like my new look. that's all I got for now. Ive never been too good at recording my life like this cause well, my life is pretty boring most of the time, but I might from time to time now haha. I love Ep, i really do, love the people and my circle, even though I haven't been too active on here, I've read around and i appreciate what everyone does on this site it is really a lifesaver to alot of people. hope to get to know more people on here and get closer to my circle sometime. thats all for now. My mood: pretty confident
Previous PostsIt's been awhile, posted December 23rd, 2012
My house, posted September 22nd, 2011, 1 comment
It's time for a change, posted September 21st, 2011, 1 comment
Going through changes, posted January 23rd, 2011, 1 comment
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